The Stylish Vegan

Vegan Nation, it’s that hideous time of year for the young folk – BTS (Of course, it used to just be called “Back to School” until Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target-Mart, etc. branded it). And being the generous soul that The Stylish Vegan is, I’ve decided to empathize with the teen VegHeads and put myself in their man-made, but incredibly tasteful, shoes.

So off to BR, TSV strode, looking to grab some fashionable couture for that first day back. BTW: BR, as you notice at their website, receives huge Stylish Vegan Points for not mentioning the dreaded “BTS” on their tastefully designed site. Having racked up some credit on the Luxe Card, I had a sum in mind and, dammit, I was going to use every penny of it! And certainly, kids, there would be some sales, no?

As it turns out, BR was in the midst of their 30% off 30 Decade sale. How did TSV not know about this sooner since I receive every conceivable email the company can imaginably send? Oh, well, no biggie, “I’m gonna get me some stylin’ back to school wear”, I actually said to myself as I entered. Now, some people say that they say things to themselves but don’t really mean it. The Stylish Vegan means it – I always talk out loud to myself. I guess it makes me feel like I have a really cool, well-dressed, vegan friend.

Upon entering with the excitement of a little kid with his first dradle at Hannukah, TSV immediately noticed the lack of “sale” signage that sings, “Buy me, oh, Stylish One.” Mmmm….bait and switch? Was your hero duped into a “sale of all our shitty clothes” sale”? Yes, and no. Sure the premo garb that I was drooling over was full blown price. But the 30% off items actually included end of summer shirts that would look so dashing as I theoretically entered the halls of higher education in a week or two.

First off, polos. Buy two get 30% off. TSV can live with that. Especially when many are marked down to begin with. I should note here that I own most of these polos so my selection was fairly limited. And realizing I have nothing but minimalist solids in my expansive wardrobe, TSV went for, I ain’t shittin’ you, stripes!

I have to say, MSV was quite impressed that stripage actually made it into my wardrobe. I still think she’s skeptical but rest assured no sinister motives were at play here. Simply, The Stylish Vegan wants horizontal lines on his BTS-wear. Is that so wrong?

Having already owned just about everything worth a damn in the “sale” section already, TSV, drifted into full price land. Not intending to purchase anything, “there’s nothing wrong with looking”, I told myself, and besides I have more credit left to use. “So there!”, I announced loudly as the staff looked with heads tilted like puppy dogs.

Within seconds, TSV was drawn to the Heritage Collection. BR’s Heritage Collection is nirvana to me. Slim fit pants in fabulous styles with muted color schemes. Who would really want anything more?, I ask you Vegan Nation. Again, with many Heritage clothes already within the wondrous confines of my dressing room, something new would certainly wipe that remaining credit from account within seconds.

And so it did:

Veganistos, TSV is a sucker – actually a huge, enormous, gigantic, sucker for anything “slim fit”. These pants fit the bill perfectly; stylish and extremely comfy for those long lectures in the make-believe Classics class. Fab! The only problem, yes, there is always a problem, was that they came in two colors. Oh, no! I don’t have enough credit for that! “Resist, TSV, resist!!”

It was like talking The Stylish Vegan off the ledge. “You can do it”, I told myself. “Besides, TSV, you have an ace in the hole. You, my dearest friend, possess a ‘personal shopping day’ card. Relax, you can come back and buy lots and lots of fashionable gear on another day.” But what about BTS?, I questioned myself without quotation marks. And that’s when the reality set in. TSV is not really going back to school so I can procure these beauties anytime. See how nice and productive it is to have conversations with yourself?

Ok, there you have it, TSV’s BTS additions to my collection of threads. Not a lot but when you’re on a budget and you’re not really going back to school, it’ll do.

We have a very exciting VegNews Frivolous Celeb of the Day this glorious afternoon. The Vegan Nation is well aware of our sacred and benevolent god, BMW. Well, check this out from our dear friends at ecorazzi:

That’s Jennifer Garner in a hydro 7-series BMW. Actually, it could be anybody, TSV wouldn’t care; the car is the celeb here. Now I’m sure this baby could be equipped in non-leather upholstery as TSV’s 3-series, son of god, is. Imagine for a moment – TSV could not only be the most stylish vegan on the planet, hell, the universe, but I could also be perceived as giving a rat’s ass about the environment as well! How fucking cool is that?!

Talk soon.

Vegan Nation, The Stylish One has decided to come clean with my addiction to BR. Why do I continue to do it? It tears at my heart; sometimes treating me like a king, others like a dirt ball. Yet here is The Stylish Vegan once again being lured into the comforting lair of mid-scale clothier.

TSV is what is known in BR World as a Luxe member. That means I spend a decent amount of money there so they give me “rewards”. Actually, discounts; lots of them. It seems that every day another 20% off coupon or $20 gift card arrives in the mail to keep the buzz going. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t fight it. Just when I thought I couldn’t buy any more pants from the Republic, they increase their offering of the slim fit cut. My god, it’s like they know what TSV is craving and they are at the ready to satisfy that need.

VegHeads, once again The Stylish Vegan finds myself trapped; I simply cannot let those discounts go to waste. Of course I need another shirt or two, who doesn’t? Pants, bring ‘em on, I haven’t bought any in a couple of weeks. So in my desperate state of not wanting to ruin the ecosystem of the world by not cashing in on the gift cards, TSV added a couple of very nice pieces to my summertime wardrobe.

Really, how could TSV pass these up? Lightweight, slim fitting; everything I love. And, veganistos, they’re practically giving the shit away! Come on, just a couple of items isn’t going to hurt anyone, right? I mean, TSV has this under control. It’s just a pair of trousers and a silly old shirt.

Oh, god, oh, god, when will it end?!

Now for a very quick VegNews Frivolous Celeb of the Day as reported by their darling Blog of the Year, ecorazzi.com, TSV brings you Harrison Ford.

Our dear friends at the ‘razzi, tell us that Mr. Ford “has sacrificed his chest hair to help “shock” people into going green”. The Stylish Vegan is speechless. Well, not really – Jesus Fucking Christ what is wrong with these egotistical idiots???!! Sorry, it’s all that comes to mind. Talk soon.

Well, Vegan Nation, after my feud with BR, all is now forgiven. Mr. UPS man just dropped a neat and tidy little package with my name upon it, at my doorstep. Inside? Well, we have this:

And this:

And, also, this:

Wonderful! And the best part, veganistos, they were all on sale. Yes, our dear friends at BR are having a fabulistic 50% off sale! I’m sorry, but you just can’t beat that. And best of all, when all my other discounts were included, TSV pretty much paid chump change for some post-holiday pick-me-up shopping.

Come on now, I wasn’t really pissed off about the little ol security tag thing. Happens all the time, right? Let’s just hug and chalk it up to a silly love quarrel, Bananarama.

It’s Friday and The Stylish One must run. No time for the VegNews Frivolous Celeb of the Day today, so use your limitless imagination. Have a fab weekend!

Oh, yes, Ol’ Blue Eyes. One stylin’ dude. The Stylish Vegan is in a reflective mood this afternoon as we wind up the Veganized 10 Commandments of Style. Just like Sinatra was when he crooned that song, I look back over the last couple weeks as we, vegan nation, face that final curtain, Number 10.  And lest we overlook this finale as GQ just trying to make an even number and make the story work, it’s an important one, gang.

Numeral X:

Remember thy undershirt

In GQ’s words: This one’s tricky. If you’re wearing a conventional white broadcloth dress shirt (which means it’s fairly see-through), you have two options: Skip the undershirt and you’ll look clean and stylish. Or, if you’re a hairy guy who perspires a lot and you feel safer in an undershirt, wear a crewneck. The lines of a V-neck or tank top will be visible beneath your shirt and tie and you’ll look cheesy. If you prefer a V-neck or tank top, you might consider other dress shirts. Go for ones with checks or stripes, which make an undershirt less visible. Or opt for hardier fabrics, like an oxford cloth, which make undershirts all but invisible.

In TSV’s verbiage: Wow, GQ has a lot to say about undies. Holy shit! If you’re wearing a tie, wear a crew neck. No tie, open collar, wear a V-neck. Simple. Ignore that other stuff up above. This is all you need to know. If you are going undershirtless, you better be wearing something dark. Nothing looks cheesier than a white shirt with flesh showing underneath – yuck!! Sorry GQ but we’re ain’t seeing eye to eye on this one.

Since most cotton tees are cotton, what does that make them veganoids? Absolutely! You guys are on this evening. That makes them vegan. Yes indeed. Not a whole lot of veganizing going on with the Tenth. Buuuutt…nothing looks dumber than wearing an open collar with a crew neck. You will look stupid. I guarantee it. 100% stupid.

There is one exception, although The Stylish Vegan doesn’t personally, utilize upon my precious bod, is this:

Yes, it’s the ol’ crew neck under the V-neck sweater look. And it’s fine. TSV is not a big fan but I’m not going to sneer at you if we’re out having a beer. Understood?

Now I would prefer to see you in this:

A much classier casual look, no doubt.

Okey-dokey, vegheads, that is it. We have officially veganized GQ’s 10 Commandments of Style! And we made it infinitely better. Please, you don’t need to send me gifts, although they would be very much appreciated, for guiding you through this. What a glorious ride it’s been and even made funner by dragging all my vegan stylistos along.

Finally, to kick off the weekend, it’s the special Friday edition of The VegNews Frivolous Celeb of the Day.

Why it’s PETA’s very own, Pamela Anderson! TSV is not really sure what Ms. Anderson is. No, I mean, vegan or non-meat eater. Apparently, no one else seems to know either, including Pam. Oh well, que sera sera.

Have a wonderful weekend!

It appears Ms. Crawford (or Faye Dunaway in this case) and The Stylish Vegan have something in common – our complete disdain for wire hangers. Now I know this may sound trivial to some out there in veganland but it’s actually quite important. While the movie makers wanted to make Joan seem as crazy as possible, I gotta say, there was nothing weird about it. Wire hangers suck, they put funny lines in your shirts so that when you wear them it looks like you have pointy shoulders, not to mention, they’re not at all aesthetically pleasing in the closet.

Wooden hangers are cheap, really cheap. The Boomerang at Ikea is $3.99 for an eightball, I mean pack, eightpack. $9.99 gets you a a nice quality set of four at Bed, Bath and Beyond. And I’m sure many other places sell them in the same price range. Personally, TSV can’t get enough of them. You see, veganoids, I’m a wooden hanger addict. There, I said it. It’s a problem that’s plagued your dear friend for many years. I can’t help myself, I see a wooden hanger and before you know it it’s in the cart awaiting checkout.

Mrs. Stylish Vegan not only is supports this addiction, she’s an enabler. Just yesterday while shopping downtown for some new food platters (you can never have enough of those), we walked past a ten pack of wooden hangers. My darling turn to me ands asked, “Do you we need any hangers?” Do we? We always do! I’ll find something to hang on them. Better yet, BR just sent me a triple point mailer. Hangers need shirts, no? Looks like I have no alternative. See how exciting hangers can be. Just another gem of a lesson from TSV to help all you vegan dandies keep smooth shoulders.

The Stylish Vegan is heading to Minneapolis next week for my monthly work sojourn. The Twin Cities as they’re known, although I never figured out why since they neither look or act the same, is a fine enough place for being stuck in the middle of a goddam prairie. The weather generally sucks being too fucking freezing in the winters (oh my precious skin) and ungodly humid and hot in the summers. Sounds like paradise, huh?

But my intent is not to bitch about the climate of The Cities, god knows I did enormous amounts of that for the several years I lived there, but rather to discuss the disturbing men’s fashion (or lack of) found there and throughout the hell known as the Midwest. Today I extend this rap to those of all persuasions; carnivores (even the ones who send me hate mail), vegetarians (and all your ancillary groups), and my dapper vegan entourage. The Stylish Vegan’s numero uno pet peeve is the idiotically, imbecilic, moronic trend that has seen grown men (physically, certainly not mentally), wearing dress shirts…untucked. What is wrong with this reality tv nation that puts these notions of style into the heads of zombiatic midwesterners? That’s a rhetorical question, since I answered it within the phrase – nevermind.

Here’s some simple advice from The Stylish Vegan: tuck in your short bjorn, you look stupid. And that is putting it mildly. Here’s a photo of a very odd, and extremely fashion-deficient individual wearing a $225.00 shirt.

Oh, cool, I can even see the tag! Feel free to fling any object at your monitor that may cyberetically cause this model harm right now. So here’s the enormous problem now, these feeble-minded jackasses have created an horrific endless circle of awful style. Once designers, like this pretentious Michael Kors who designed this shirt, started to see that Joe Dummy was wearing his shirt untucked, they decided to design shirts just for that purpose – like the piece of shit pictured above. So this is what hell is going to be like?

And if you think I’m the only one who wants to throw gasoline on these people, think again. Our good friend Glenn O’Brien, whom we know as “The Style Guy” at GQ, also finds this one of the worst fashion faux pas(es) in modern time (70’s excluded). His advice, and undeniably backed by The Stylish Vegan, is that if the shirt is longer in the front and back than it is on the sides, tuck it. No excuses. Tuck it. Period. Of course, there are those casual shirts that are intended to be worn free flowing. Oh, look, here’s one.

Not my particular fancy but a fine example nonetheless. You see all you Beau Brummel’s, the hem on this shirt is straight all the way around. The designer is saying, “You have my blessing to wear this untucked”. Wasn’t that sweet of him?

So I made you read all the way to this point to illustrate the real true reason this untucked ridiculousness has spread like the Crox plague, is that American males are fat. Unhealthily obese in many cases. And guess what, legions of Minneapolitonians are heavy fuckers. So out of every lazy habit a style is born. Look fat with your shirt tucked in? Here’s an idea, don’t tuck it in. Brilliant! Nobel Prize-like brilliance. Thus, the untucked look. Here’s my advice fat fuck (uh-oh I can see more hate mail on the way) put down the deep fried everything, eat a vegetable, work out and lose some WEIGHT!

The Patriot from New England, Tom Brady, was named by that rag, Esquire, as the “Best-Dressed Man in the World”. Not in New York, not on the East Coast, not in the USA, not in North America but THE WORLD. Never mind the blatant arrogance and boldness of that statement (what do you expect from Esquire after all?), but what really has The Stylish Vegan steaming, other than the fact that I am not on the list, is I’m pretty sure none of those on the list is even a vegetarian let alone a vegan. I was holding out hope for Rufus Wainwright, who for some reason seems like a vegetarian, alas, is a meat muncher.

Certainly, someone on the Peta Sexiest Vegetarian Alive list must be worthy of a mention on the pretentious “Best-Dressed Man in the World”. Wouldn’t you think? Let’s see who we have on the list. Let’s see…Alec Baldwin.

Not gonna happen. Maybe…ok, Joaquin Phoenix, surely he must have some style.

Batting a big fat (no offense Alec) zero so far. Well, we’re getting nowhere here. Nobody on this list is jumping out as even “The Most Okay-Dressed in the World” let alone the best. Maybe our plan of attack then should focus on The Stylish Vegan taking Esquire’s top dude and putting a super-stylish, ass-whooping, vegan outfit on him. With money as no obstacle whatsoever, this should be pretty easy. First, let’s take a look at our boy.

Pretty snazzy and quite the lady-killer. Let’s assume that shiny jacket on this dandy is velvet. Well, that’s vegan right off the bat! The watch, titanium or some other metal doesn’t seem to include leather, so vegan it is! Mr. Tom Brady is scoring major Vegan Stylish points. The shirt, assuming it’s not silk (and really, would someone wearing a silk shirt really be the Best-Dressed Man in the World?), it too scores a non-animalistic stylish point. The tie. This is where Tommy might not be so vegan. My guess, silk. So let’s find him an appropriate tie for the honor that’s been bestowed upon him. Most fashionable ties are silk in varying grades. However, polyester ties can look just as dashing. Check out this one from Dolce & Gabbana.

That might work just fine. If not, there are a world of others. Pants, hard to tell from the photo but let’s assume they are something from Armani, probably a polyester microfiber. Not being overly concerned about the Super Bowl MVP’s underwear, that only leaves us with shoes. No doubt, they’re leather. But leave it to The Stylish Vegan to complete this outfit with a gorgeous pair of Clark Kent shoes from MooShoes.

So there you have it – The Stylish Vegan has dressed “The Best-Dressed Man in the World” head to toe and he looks smashing! Now we only have to work out one last detail – Tommy, buddy, would you consider a vegan diet? I didn’t think so.

The Stylish Vegan isn’t one for shorts unless it’s a really, really casual affair and I’m throwing it. But there are those times when walking the neighborhood on a warm late afternoon or hosting a summer bash that may require shorts. First, the stereotype – cargo shorts. The most obnoxious summer short knows no barriers; college kids, Phish-heads, Dead-heads, college kids, and, oh, did I mention college kids?! Whatever you do, never, I repeat, never show up at a bbq with cargo shorts, unless you’re bringing them to tell the guests how stupid these awful things are. Instead try something like this.

I picked mine up at the Nordstrom Rack. They are fab and mine ran somewhere in the $20 range.

And for some fantastic casual shirts, if you’re not in the mood for a guayabera, try this nicely styled short sleeve number from Banana Republic.

I ordered a couple in different colors. At $49.50 you can’t go wrong.

Ok, so what do you put on your dogs? Sport sandals? I think I’m going to be ill. Never wear sport sandals in public unless it’s a private beach in the Caribbean where no one but your embarassed significant other will see you. Huaraches? The Stylish Vegan owns a snappy pair purchased at DSW for a Puerto Rican wedding. But for this outfit let’s look at something a bit more peppy.

Vans and Puma have some fantastic summer casual shoe choices. I bought these very stylish Vans at Zappos.com

And these two pairs from Puma rounded out my summer casual footwear.

So there you have it. A mightily simple outfit with your choice of sunsational footwear for under a buck fifty. And you know what? When you walk in with your Tofurkey dogs, everyone is going to request one because the stylish summer guest has arrived and…he’s a fucking VEGAN!!