The Stylish Vegan

Vegan Nation, The Stylish One has just realized that I too can take advantage of the environment and completely justify a brand new Hummer! And who wouldn’t want that orange baby?

In a wonderful article about veganism in The Seattle Times, TSV learned that meat eaters consume so much energy with their incredibly unhealthy diet and a vegan uses soooo much less it would be like the equivalent  of driving a Hummer versus a small sedan. Great news, VegHeads! Now we can waste as much energy as meat munchers just by driving a big obnoxious, Republican army vehicle.

No time to waste; The Stylish One is off to the dealership to pick out, or better yet, design my very own vegan friendly Hummer

As you know The Stylish Vegan, loves the wonderful vehicle that God sent to me in a truly blessed moment of eternal love, my BMW 325i with leatherette. Surely you are aware of the praise from a few weeks back that I bestowed upon this luxury vehicle manufacturer that restored my faith in the Lord Almighty. Stylish Vegan points showered upon the divinity of this auto and other non-animal-oriented models under its halo. Can it get any better in the world of gasoline piston driven engines? Apparently, it can. Check this out:

Behold the Mercedes SLR McLaren. 0-60 in 3.8 seconds with a top speed around 210 mph. Oh, and it looks pretty fucking cool too. The Stylish Vegan is not a huge Mercedes fan, especially since they merged with Chrysler and started making MOR cars in Georgia. Yes, I want my luxury car to come from somewhere in the back woods of Georgia. They pretty much fell off my radar in the early 2000’s when they added about 50 different models to their line. Nothing like schizophrenia at Daimler Chrysler – you might as well drive a, God forbid, PT Cruiser. But then I read this: “Mercedes sets no-leather option” in USA Today. The article goes on to state, “Mercedes has decided to make its full line of vehicles available with synthetic interiors if a customer requests it, under pressure from the advocacy group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).” PETA is the shit!

Now this is pretty awesome considering PETA tried to give Toyota an award for the Prius (please see “All Bow Down to the High Prius” a few days back) but Toyota declined because “The company leaves open the possibility of offering the car (Prius) with leather seats.” Let’s see, we’re already ripping off the public by over charging for this arrogant hybrid technology how can we make it totally ridiculous? I know, let’s offer leather as an option and charge even more! Way to go Toyota!

Ok, it may be stretch requesting the SLR McLaren with faux leather but almost all Mercedes’ models can be fitted with laboratory synthetic Elsie skin. Muchisimo Stylish Vegan points to the brain trust at Mercedes! Once you dump Chrysler and cut your model line down to, oh maybe, 15 models, this Sylish Vegan will be very interested. And in case you are wondering, “People want leather,” spokeswoman (from Cadillac) Nekeidra Shegog says. You go, girl! You go!

A few thoughts on the symbol of green – the armadillo-looking hybrid from The Stylish Vegan.

-If you drive one of these wonder vehicles and you’re not a vegan, what exactly are you trying to prove? I could go on ad nauseum, and yes, you would become nauseous from ramblings about this, so I’ll keep it simple. Cows not only take up tons (literally) of acreage and feed, they also fart greenhouse gases. So, follow the logic – do I really need to take you through this? Conclusion: all you non vegans driving your “look at me, I’m green” vehicle, trade it in while it still has some value or stop supporting the beef and dairy industry and realize you bought an overpriced, over hyped dream machine.

-This photo displays the spectacle that is happening right in front of my house at eye level for four straight days.

Yes, those are the mighty Blue Angels. How glorious! Oh, the precision, the skill, the daredevilishness, the unbelievable waste. The window-rattling fighter jets roaring past at decibels that make children cry and scare the shit out of The Stylish Vegan are using sooooo much fuel that every pass by my window cancels out another thousand Priusi (is that the plural of Prius?). And the smoke, OMFG, it looked like a fucking battlefield out there. The smoke alone would probably wipe out the entire Prius fleet.

-You bought a Prius because it gets great gas mileage. Hell, you don’t even give a damn about the environment, the only green you’re concerned with are greenbacks. Alright, if you haven’t figured out that economically, there are a few dozen other cars without this fancy hybrid bullshit that get pretty great mileage. And since the prices are much lower on these vehicles, you’d have to drive that same Prius over ten years just to break even! By the way, that includes all those “great” tax benefits too.

“We get it Mr. Stylish Vegan, you’re a cynical jackass.” While that statement is pretty much correct, I’m also a realist. It’s hard for me to overpay for a “green” hybrid when I’m watching atrocious nonsensical wastes of energy right outside my window. What did happen to those nice electric cars of the past? If you seen the documentary, I’m sure you know. That’s why this current trend of “friendly green” car manufacturers makes The Stylish Vegan even that much more cynical (if you can believe that).

I had no belief in the nether world of blindly following Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and, well, God. That is until 2006! Yes, it was a dreary day in February when God sent his only son to me – a brand, spanking, new 325i. Why was this such a glorious day in the life of The Sylish Vegan?? God decided to make this wonderful vehicle with leatherette. You heard me right, no real leather in the Benchmark of all sedans, but beautiful, smooth, indestructible fake leather.

Yes, it was time to sell the old Lezbaru GT which dutifully pulled me through many Minneapolis snowstorms without a single bitchy whine. It put up with my neurotic and anxiety-filled driving technique, clutching the wheel while cursing another fucking freezing, fresh powder of fourteen inches or so. For those wondering, The Stylish Vegan HATES snow. I suffer from Chionophobia – the incredibly debilitating fear of the white shit. No worries now – I have the Son of God – my delicious BMW and She is doing quite well in Seattle.

Oh, and for all you wondering, yes, the 5-series also comes with leatherette! I love you God!